If I went out more, there’s not a chance I would ever have met the people I now consider good friends. Yet they are all out there, somewhere. I had to stay where I am to find them where they are. Now that it’s done, what comes after?
Now, the game was still in its security case. When I got to the front, I showed my receipt for the case to be removed. The young man studied my receipt like it was the most important document he had ever seen. My skin started prickling because I knew something really frustrating was about to happen. I just knew. Anyone who has been racially profiled knows that feeling.
I had about four nightmares out of five dreams overnight. One involved one of my nephews screaming and crying, although I don’t remember why (thankfully), and another where the pinky finger on my right hand was cut open from tip to base. Another involved me feeling like I had woken up (I’m not entirely convinced that I hadn’t) and I couldn’t move. I was almost completely paralyzed and terrified because of that.
I was so bothered that I turned a light on and the TV to get back to sleep, something I haven’t done in a really long time. Four nightmares in four hours is too much for me. What the hell?
I toss my cigarette on the ground and shove the gun deep into my pocket, then push through the doors and walk inside. The place was empty, a real honest to god shit hole this one. One guy standing around, he ain’t got no life outside of this place, its got him by the balls. There’s an old man behind the desk listening to the sound of his own heart as it ticks the seconds off his life.
I’m at the desk and tell him I want a room for the night. He doesn’t look up. I’m nothing to him, I could be the hapless stiff standing next to me with all the world around and nothin to live for but hope and a prayer that life cant be this ugly, but it is.
His hand disappears inside a drawer and comes back with a rusted shank of a key you could die from if you looked at it too long. I run my hand across the worn out desktop dug out with knife gouges and smeared with old coffee stains until the key is in my hand and I’m shoving it into my pocket, right against that gun. I’ve got my hand wrapped around it now and I’m staring at the geezer with enough intent to burn his face off, but he won’t look at me. What have I gotta do to get him to look at me?
I feel the sweat on the back of my neck now, and the dust from this crazy old place is starting to burn inside my lungs. I turn my body to the side and let the gun slide out of my hand. I walk towards the stairs and look back at the woman who was behind me.
What’s her story? Everybody has a story.
I wrote this a few days before my birthday in 2007.
I’m not much of a drinker and that’s an understatement, but sometimes I think if I could just drink enough, maybe I could be who I want to be, and say what I want to say. Break the chain that’s been with me forever.
I can talk to strangers, I can deal with family and acquaintances, but it’s very hard for me to deal with people above that point. Family is forgiving, at least for me, and I know I can’t screw that up. But I’m terrified at times interacting with everyone else. The more I like someone the more difficult it becomes, and it’s not hard for me to really like certain types of people that open themselves to the world.
I’m not trying to complain. Life is what it is. I just wish I knew how to fix myself. It’s not impossible to deal with most of the time, but there are times when things happen and you’re not in control anymore and then you’re stuck.
Sometimes all you want to do is hear their voice, and you’ve lost your own.
Variety reported a little while ago that YouTube has agreed to purchase Twitch for $1 billion in cash. I’ve heard that Twitch pushes more bits than Hulu does these days which means their infrastructure isn’t anything to laugh at, but they’ve had problems with peering the same way that Netflix has. With Netflix it’s an extortion racket on the part of large ISPs, with Twitch it’s more that they haven’t been big enough for anyone to care about changing routing and adding ports to keep up with demand.
That shouldn’t be a problem anymore, assuming Google intends to roll Twitch onto their infrastructure at some point. And even if they don’t, YouTube’s heft should solve the size problem easily enough. Whether they’ll do that is one of several questions that I’m sure people are thinking about today.
Twitter has banned porn, sex acts, sexual nudity, and other sexually suggestive things from Vine. Instagram is banning hash tags like #sex and inconsistently banning users for uploading nude photos, and I heard yesterday of an online adult model being suspended from Twitter itself for uploading and having tasteful and artistic nude photos.
Businesses are free to do whatever they like within the law, but that doesn’t make censorship any less offensive and dangerous. Especially with the increasing merger of corporation and government. Governments could never dream of being able to censor people with the efficiency and scope that businesses get away with.
Much has changed in the last week. I want to give you guys an idea of what I’m dealing with and my plans in the near future. As many of you know, my father’s health has taken a turn for the worse. He has been battling Cirrhosis for many years (along with Congestive Heart Failure in the last year) and was told last week that he is now in end stage liver failure.
To be honest, the news caused my head to spin but I’ve gotten it on straight. So, no one needs to worry about me. Since my mother is disabled and both are out of work, I will be moving in with my parents for awhile to help them in any way that I can. Which means, there will be some changes to my camming style.
This business is my only source of income. So, despite the huge change, I need to make it work and must make my goals if I am to support two households (my own in S. Florida and my parent’s household). I’m not going to lie, I have some worries because my cam style will have to change. I will sneak on cam any chance that I can - most likely late in the evening in my bedroom and possibly at outdoor locations during the day. I won’t be able to be as loud as I normally am but will work on fun games to keep us enjoying our time together. I have faith that no matter what we do, we will have a good time because my Penguin Army is like family.
The next days will be filled with paperwork, meeting with a lawyer to grant Power of Attorney to me and hospital visits. It’s been a hell of a ride (especially since my father is losing his cognitive functions and it is difficult for him to do the things we take for granted like walking, eating and even sleeping).
I appreciate any and all support for my Penguin Army. The support that has poured into my inboxes and twitter feed have filled my heart with joy and brought tears to my eyes many times. It’s heart warming that y’all are sticking by me even through the worst of it. It’s so common that people disappear during troubling times but I know who are my true friends since you’re still with me, sending me kind messages and making me smile. I wish I could express my gratitude fully for your kindness and support but there are not enough words in the English language.
I’ve remained strong, focus on one task at a time and am making sure to keep my parents smiling and laughing. They’re worried. We all are but there is no sense in collapsing and becoming morbid / depressed. There’s still so much beauty in this world, in my life, in the eyes of my family. I am thankful that we can go through this together. I am thankful to have my friends, you, to spend time with. I cannot promise anything but I hope that I can log online tomorrow night. The Penguin Army cheers me up and makes me giggle like a maniac. I miss those times and can’t wait to have them again!
The last Bitcoin bubble ran from March 16th ($47) through April 10th ($259) on BitStamp with somewhat higher numbers on MtGox. BTC fell from $259 to $130 in a couple of hours during the first exchange run, then fell a second time from all the way down to $60.
That 451% increase in 25 days almost completely evaporated once the speculators and traders decided to cash out. The thing that probably stopped another bubble from forming before now was the ineptitude of the amateur exchanges which simply fell over when it actually mattered and scared away everyone with any amount of real money.
I’ve seen nothing that would lead me to believe that the same thing won’t happen again.
An anti-evolution group is suing the Kansas State Board of Education for instituting a science curriculum that teaches evolution. The nonprofit Citizens for Objective Public Education filed a lawsuit Thursday to block the board, education commissioner and Department of Education from teaching science classes consistent with new educational benchmarks developed by 26 states to align school systems across the U.S.
Seems like MFC cam models say they’ll be on, then don’t get on, and they do it constantly. It’s understandable when you remember that most of them are in their early 20s and are inherently immature and irresponsible people that still have a lot of growing up to do.
But they’re screwing with a hybrid of fans-customers that pay their bills and enable that carefree lifestyle. Some day down the road, they aren’t going to have the body of a 20-year-old anymore and their fans are going to go somewhere else when they get jerked around like that. As far as jobs go, it may be fun and absurd, but that’s no excuse to act unprofessionally. The same rule applies to this as everything else in life. Don’t say you’re going to do something if you’re not going to do it.
Brett Gardner is done for the season, but it’s not as bad as it could have been. With Soriano back, the Yanks have four outfielders that they’d love to play every day but can’t.
The short of it is that now you’ll get Curtis Granderson playing center every day instead of playing on the days that the other three get days off, which trades batting for average (Grander) for power (Granderson). The bench also isn’t as deep, but there’s still Vernon Wells.
Granderson is probably gone next year by the way, if the new management is really serious about cutting payroll. Cano may be gone as well. It depends on whether or not Cano will take less money for staying with the Yankees.
It also depends on how long Alex Rodriguez is out next year. Suspended players don’t get paid and that money doesn’t get deferred. We’re talking about New York saving ~$25 million next year of Alex misses the entire season. Maybe they use that money to keep Cano and Granderson and miss their target of coming in under $189 (is it 189?) million next year. Or maybe they meet the target and keep one of them.